Is your husband or wife an idiot?

August 25th, 2007 by Edmund Snyder · 4 Comments

My father was a great man. Actually, he still is as far as I know. I learned a lot of invaluable lessons from him and from my mother.

To this day, a full 20 years after moving out of his home, I am certain that I could survive pretty well in almost any environment because of the practical knowledge that I gained from my dad. He is a man who could hunt or trap game for food, fell and chop a tree for fuel, construct a shelter out of poplar saplings to keep his family out of the elements, build a radio out of spare electronics components, adjust the carburetor on an old ‘62 Country Squire, and just about anything else you can think of.

Even a man as great as my dad had one major flaw, though. He was quite adept at bad-mouthing my mom. This is one area where I lost respect for the man.

My mother was very similar to my dad in that she would try many new things. She wasn’t always as successful at new endeavors as he usually was, but her successes were not infrequent either. One chasm that separates them in my eyes, though, is that she never (not once that I know of) bad-mouthed him. Even after the divorce, it was simply something she didn’t do.

You see it all the time. It’s become a mainstay of American comedy even. “Take my wife, please!” being just one example. But really, it isn’t very funny.

You see, when you bad-mouth your spouse (or ex-spouse) aren’t you also castigating yourself? Didn’t you choose that person? You can tell yourself that he changed after you married him, but more often than not, you are lying. Chances are you were lying to yourself before you tied the knot–or you thought you could mold that person into someone they weren’t.

Anyway, this post is more of a rant than anything else. I’m sick of hearing how terrible your wife is, or how diabolical your ex is. They are not terrible or diabolical; they are the person you selected because they had so many great qualities. Instead of opening your mouth and demonstrating your terrible decision making abilities, how about trying to refocus on those great qualities?

Thank you.

Tags: Ed's Articles · Family/Parenting · Personal Growth

4 responses so far ↓

1 Serena // Aug 25, 2007 at 4:45 pm

There were a couple of things that mom used to badmouth dad about when we were children but maybe they weren’t said to the whole family, I am not sure about that. One main thing that she said about and to dad frequently had to do with his weight, his “elephant butt” in particular, and this influenced me a great deal and caused a fear of weight gain even at a very early age (6) and a fear that if I got fat I wouldn’t be as loved by mom.

But you are correct for the most part that mom did not badmouth dad and even the weight stuff didn’t continue that I can recall once we left Indiana possibly because there were just too many other important things to focus on.

In any case once they divorced I never heard mom say a disparaging word about dad and in fact to this day she encourages me to call and contact him because she says that he probably needs the calls from his children even more than she does. And that has given me an incredible amount of respect for her.

I have talked to dad nearly every month this year and it seems he has finally gotten past the badmouthing himself. I think it was his way of dealing with the pain that we all went through and his feelings of responsibility for so much that happened. Especially after he quit drinking I think it may have been easier for him to try to lay the blame somewhere else so that the guilt didn’t eat at him.

When you think about how the things that have happened in our lives affected us imagine, if you will, the effect that they must have had on dad. Not only was his life not as I imagine he had expected it to be, but he wasn’t providing for his wife or his children in more than just the absolute minimal way not that he didn’t try or want to. On top of that he was so distanced from us most of the time and when he was home he would try to be a part of things that he couldn’t relate to and mom would tell him that he shouldn’t butt in commentary on things he didn’t know anything about and she would guilt him because of how much he was gone despite the fact that it was counterproductive.

But I figure I have to cut them both some slack because I sure as heck don’t say all the right things or do all the right things and most the time I don’t even come close. I guess we all just squeak by trying to do the right thing but so many times being too close to a situation to see it clearly and saying and doing to many things with strong emotions as a catalyst.

In any case, I do think that people need to be as careful as they can not to bad mouth a spouse or ex-spouse or non-married co-parent, and I think you did great in that regard with your daughter and her mother though of course I wasn’t there all the time but I never heard you say anything negative about your daughter’s mother around your daughter and really not at any other time either except perhaps as justification for breaking up with her when you did and then that was probably just to me.

Guess I joined into your rant here. Everything I wrote is just my observations on things from my perspective in the family.
2 m2m514 // Aug 25, 2007 at 11:55 pm

“They are not terrible or diabolical; they are the person you selected because they had so many great qualities.”

Amazing but true, most of the time people just need to remember what it is that made them fall in love with that person. Although, marriage is of course something that people take advantage of.
3 Fawn // Aug 26, 2007 at 6:16 pm

My ex was a good person. He would be a great husband…He just wasn’t the piece that fit the puzzle that I am. Though, I’m glad I never had kids with the guy. He had his good.
I’ve made better choices now.
I tell my kids what a great father (husband) now completes our family.

This was excellent and I couldn’t agree more.
4 Sam // Sep 8, 2007 at 2:11 pm

my ex was an immature, unrealistic, idealistic, drunken child who showed an uncanny ability to fall into bed with whoever came her way and who honestly believed that her stuffed animals came to life as soon as she left the room.

Those were her good qualities.

These days I have a hard time remembering why I wanted to marry her, let alone why I actually went through with it. I only knew her three weeks when I asked her, I didn’t expect her to say yes, and I was stoned and drunk. It kind of snow-balled from there.

I suppose I found her personality and innocence cute, she was pretty, and I enjoyed spending time with her.

She wasn’t a bad person, but there wasn’t very much about her to admire.