Flada Blog

 

 Observations [9:21m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

These are just a few observations that I’ve had. Some readers may have seen them before because I’ve written them on Open Diary several years ago.

Furniture stores

Is it just my city, or are there furniture stores going out of business everywhere every weekend? Has anyone else noticed this, people standing on the corner with sandwich boards advertising “Crazy Jim’s going out of business sale” or a paper sign on a stick at another intersection for “Joe Schmuckatelly’s Furniture World’s going out of business sale?”

These sales are every freaking weekend for another furniture store. How many furniture stores are there and at this rate why weren’t they all closed years ago? After the inevitable day that every last furniture store on the planet finally closes its door, where the hell am I supposed to get a new recliner?

Wendy’s

Today I bought lunch at a Wendy’s drive-thru. Now nothing against Mr. Thomas here, but I was a little annoyed by the sign in the window at the first window. You know how it works: place your order at the giant menu sign with the little buzzy speaker, drive to the first window to pay, then continue to the second window to wait for your food–if there’s no line that is.

Anyway the sign in the first window was a demand to “Have your money ready.” I’m not Mr. Manners, but a little “please” would be nice, after all aren’t they supposed to be serving me? So I “ba-aa-a’d” like a good little sheep and got my money ready for the little transaction. Except that it isn’t really a transaction at all because you give them your money and get absolutely nothing in return except for the promise that if you wait long enough you will receive what you ordered. I took my change and then parked behind the car that was waiting at the second window.

But I did not let this idle time go to waste, instead I pulled a black marker out of my pocket (what you don’t have a marker in your pocket?) and made my own sign for my window.

“Please, have food ready!” (Okay, maybe I am Mr. Manners.)

Jim Croce

Now it’s common knowledge that spitting into the wind can be hazardous (although probably not as bad as urinating on an electric fence), and I’ll give tough old Mr. Croce the benefit of the doubt that he knows more about the temper of the Old Lone Ranger than I do. I’ll also accept that he is one tough SOB and that we are all better off not messing around with him. But which Superman comic book did he read, anyway?

The Superman I remember reading about was not known for his temper. I imagine you could have pulled on that Kryptonian leisure suit all day and he would have politely smiled and asked you if you had a kitten who needed rescuing. You probably could even kick old Kal-El in the shins and he would stand there totally nonplused, or perhaps offer to fly you to the hospital so that they could set your broken toe.

“Don’t pull on The Incredible Hulk’s cape” I could buy into. Fortunately he didn’t wear one.

Aliens

I don’t know if you’ve seen the movie “Alien,” “Alien 2,” “Aliens,” or “Alien Resurrection,” but those are some big mean bastards (no, I’m not referring to Sigourney Weaver in case you were going to comment, Smarty Pants). I have the computer game “Aliens vs. Predators” and those aliens can actually climb walls and run across the ceiling. And when I strain my memory and think back really hard I recall they could do it in the movies, too.

What I’d like to know is how the heck they do it? Lot’s of little critters can climb all over things, but those aliens are huge. Does the law of gravity not apply to them?

Buses

Two things about buses:

1. Isn’t it a bit dangerous to be hit by a bus? I’m only asking because a bus-pedestrian collision would most likely result in immediate injury to the pedestrian (and possibly a few minor scratches to the bus, but that’s not important for my discussion). Well, the surgeon general requires tobacco products to have a warning on them although the injury from tobacco is not immediate but takes many years. So I submit that buses should also be required to have warnings on them. “Warning, the surgeon general has determined that being hit by a bus could be hazardous to your health.” or “Pregnant women should not be hit by buses–especially in the third trimester.”
2. This concerns the spelling of the word “buses.” Any self respecting noun that ends in a consonant requires a doubling of the final consonant before adding the “es.” So, what the hell is up with “buses.” When I see it written out it makes me want to pronounce bew-sez instead of bus-sez. I’m looking for signatures to petition Congress to officially change the spelling so that it will make more sense. Any signers may sign online at www.stupidpetitionsformorons.com. (not a real web address, knucklehead)

Least expecting it

The other day we were having dinner, and my daughter helped herself to the larger slice of the garlic bread that was served with the meal so I told her that I would get even when she was least expecting it. Come on, admit it–you’ve said that: “I’ll get you back when you least expect it.”

Does anyone ever tell someone else that they’ll get their revenge when it is most expected? “You shouldn’t have done that. I’m going to get you and good when you’re most expecting it.” This would definitely add a new challenge to getting back at people. First you have to be in the position of knowing when your nemesis will most expect your retaliation, and then you must also somehow retaliate even though he is expecting it. This makes revenge a bit trickier, but then I think that revenge should be tricky.

Olive Garden

Has anyone noticed that at many Italian restaurants they are extremely stingy with the olives. It’s so bad that we’ve taken to calling the local franchise “Two Olive Garden,” because they only include two olives in the entire salad bowl. If we were ever planning to eat there again, I think that we would sit at different tables so that we could get a whole four olives.

What’s up with the olive sanctioning anyway? Is there some kind of embargo going on with olives that the government isn’t telling us about? I think that OPEC now stands for “Olive Producing Exporting Countries.”

Counterfeit testing pens

Even with the breakthroughs in anti-counterfeiting that have supposedly been incorporated into these fancy new bills there are apparently some ways to pass off a bad buck. Why else would it be necessary for stores to have the cashiers test your $20 bills with those invisible ink puzzle pens? How much did the treasury spend on redesigning all of those bills anyway, and what was the real purpose if stores still have to double check with some fancy 007 testing device?

I wonder if I should be nervous about receiving counterfeit bills as change for my transactions. Are there really a bunch of counterfeit 20s and 50s floating around out there? Maybe I should buy one of those pens and carry it with me so that I can scribble on my bills when I receive change. I don’t really know where you can get those pens at though, so I think I’ll just buy one of those kids puzzle books with the invisible ink pen and use it.

Invisible puzzles

That made me think about those old puzzle books–was it just me or did the pen always run dry before all of the puzzles were finished?

K-9 units

I’m under the belief that in most jurisdictions a police dog is an actual officer. If this is true, is it acceptable to call the dog a pig? My dog, Reggie, has some occasional problems with his sinuses where he snorts like a pig and then when he lets the air out his cheeks flap and he sounds like a horse so occasionally we call him a horse-pig.

Drumsticks

Okay, these are little ice cream treats with chocolate coating and nuts or granola or something and a little chunk of chocolate in the bottom of the cone. Why are they called drumsticks? I’ve considered buying a pair and trying them out on the Zildjians, but I think it would make a terrible mess.